my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
