If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
