I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
