I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize