meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
