there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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