if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize