i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
