when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
