we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
