Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize