You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
