Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
