Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
