I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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