I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
a search helicopter?!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
