so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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