Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We had to coat check the pizza.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
