Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
