Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
