i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize