After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
