I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
