I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
