my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
