in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
