May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
