At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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