Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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