Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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