The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
