I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
