Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
