dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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