my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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