I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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