dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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