Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
