I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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