Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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