You can't motorboat a personality
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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