The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
