Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
