I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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