I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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