Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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