My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
