I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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