i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize