I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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