Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
