this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize