I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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