You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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