just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
