I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i came on her dog
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
