just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
