I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
