You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize