John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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