Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
