The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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